Last week, I sat on a panel that was asked this question: “If you could go back and give the young writer in you one piece of advice, what would it be?”
My answer—hackneyed but genuine—was that I would tell my 20something self to write what was true, what I really believed (or believed in) without paying heed to market or popular opinion or trends.
But even as I said it, I was thinking: “Never mind the young writer, what would I say to the young woman?”
I don’t look back on my 20s and early 30s, ruing the fact that I didn’t publish. In fact, it would never occur to me to construct my personal history as one of a writer. Writing is something I do, a career I love, and a field in which I’ve been outrageously lucky. But it’s not who I am.
I am, I was, a flawed human being—a daughter, a mother and a wife.
At age 21 (a quarter century ago) I had just given birth to an infant I wore in a sling on my body, confident that I could control and make perfect everything in his world. I was married to a man who drank and smoked and spent money heedlessly before our wedding; yet somehow, I believed the ring on his finger would magically—poof!—turn him into a sober, frugal, “provider” kind of guy.
What would I say to that arrogant little flower child if I could call her up through time?
YOU’RE NOT SO POWERFUL – Maybe 12% of life’s factors are within your control. Do your best and learn to deal graciously with the surprises and disappointments. Don’t take them personally, because they aren’t about you. In a universal sense, each of us is an unimaginably tiny speck.
BE KIND – You have choices in everything you do. And being kind is almost always the right way to go. Even if your husband drank up the rent money, you don’t have the right to be a bitch. There are a thousand different ways to respond. Take a breath and choose carefully.
SLOW DOWN – Just in general. You’ll make half as many mistakes and get twice as much out of life. You think you’re accomplishing more because you’re rushing around madly and forcing things, but that’s all an illusion. Really, all you’re doing is raising dust and making noise.
I doubt my 21-year-old self would have listened. And from where I sit now, looking back at 46, I feel both frustration and affection. Damn, she tried hard.
What would you say to your younger self if I could fold back time and give you the chance?
Oh Ann, you are ever the thought provoking blogger. What I would say to my 21-year-old self has kept me busy this morning. I would tell her that she is perfect and that feeling broken will be a complete waste of time. Then I would laugh and contradict myself. I would have to say “Never mind, Ang. Do it your way or else we won’t get where we are headed if you don’t.” Then I would tell her it probably wouldn’t hurt to drink a little less.
This is a good one…
Dear 21-year-old Steve:
Put down the bong and listen to me. Shut up. No, just shut up. You talk too much.
Re-think the Theatre major. Take a couple of business classes. Avoid tiny blondes and angry Asian women. Call your mother every week. Read something other than science fiction once in a while. Learn about cars and sports so you have something to say to other men at parties. In a couple of years you’re going to hear about something called a “G spot;” pay attention! And for God’s sake, wash your damn sheets once a week. Now go borrow as much as you can from your family, bet it all on the Steelers in the Super Bowl, then take your winnings and invest in something called “Apple.”
Love,
54-year-old Steve
Angie said exactly what I was thinking. And the kind of thing that I try to say to my 17 and 23-year old daughters . . . who can’t seem to hear it.
Dear 21-year old Gayle,
Ignore what the nice lady said about being a bitch. There ARE times when that’s the only way to handle a situation. You’ll know when.
It may seem strange to those who know me now, but … quit hiding behind those sunglasses … and speak up, fercristsakes, if you expect anyone to take you seriously. And, last but not least, as my mother so often admonished as she ran her knuckles down my spine, stand up straight!