Yesterday, an essay appeared in ELLE Magazine (online) under the headline, “Ann Bauer Looks Beyond the Mirror.” I wrote the majority of this piece in 2009. And back then, it was about anti-Semitism.
Bernie Madoff had been arrested in December 2008. The country’s economy was tanking. And the hate mail I’d been receiving for years had taken an “ugly” turn. There were more and more letters skewering my appearance, including the ones that I cited in the piece. They came from certain conservative factions. A few of them were so threatening, the Southern Poverty Law Center launched an investigation. They contained messages like these:
“We always knew you were a Heeb (sic)…”
“you dogucking sodomite Jews must be exterminated”
“Only a fucking Jew would dream up such vile shit.”
I am, as I wrote in the essay, the product of a German-Catholic mother and a father of Russian-Jewish descent. Were my mother’s people Spanish or Black Irish or pedigreed Blueblood, I might have turned out with the sculpted mix of, say, a Natalie Portman or Gwyneth Paltrow (who are also half-Jewish). As it is, I have Jewish features that are just ever-so-slightly “off.” Blue eyes instead of brown. A rounded, prominent nose rather than a grand Sephardic one. Here in the American Midwest, I do not fit any category. And that makes some people uncomfortable. It always has.
But it was only after those hate messages began streaming in that I began thinking about the way people (mostly men) had responded to my appearance all my life. It is a fact that there are those who find me “ugly” and those who find me beautiful—perhaps many women would say this. But in my case, the divide is extremely deep. And under the veil of simple preference lurks a somewhat darker truth.
In its original form, my essay included a scene of me visiting the Brainerd International Raceway in northern Minnesota, where my husband (then boyfriend) went one weekend a month in summer to participate in a motorcycle race. The stands were full of young, blonde women in halter tops made out of American flag material and rural men who took an instant, pathological dislike to me. As I walked through the crowd, I heard foul words and whispers. One guy told a “joke” about concentration camps. Another walked up to John and said: “You know what you and a vacuum have in common?” He nodded at me. “You both wear your bag on the outside.”
It also included this section on my own “inner anti-Semite:”
The wormy little truth is that the very features those bigots found piggish and haggy have always bothered me, too. I’ve always disliked these things about myself, my Ruth Bader Ginsberg-nesses, if you will. I wish my nose were smaller, my cheekbones higher, my forehead less broad; I hate the fact that as I age I’m developing the squared-off jowls of Golda Meir. Whereas I don’t fret about my pale skin, blue eyes, or thick, red hair (my more “Christian” traits) — those I tend to think of as assets in an otherwise beauty-challenged life.
My essay did the rounds back in ’09. It was considered for publication by Self, O Magazine, The Sun and—interestingly—ELLE. But ultimately, nearly everyone said it was too provocative to publish. “While the executive editor and I both thought it was intriguing, the editor-in-chief felt the subject was too loaded (the Jewish thing in particular),” wrote one editor. “I’m afraid we’re going to pass.”
The editor at ELLE rejected the essay in early ’10 for other, more business-related reasons. Simply put, I wasn’t a name; how I felt about my appearance was irrelevant. They were far more open than others to including details about the thread of anti-Semitism. That’s why my publicist and I went back to them first when THE FOREVER MARRIAGE was about to come out.
But I also softened the essay, by choice. I happened to have had an experience in Budapest that gave it a fuller, more narrative frame. It was a more positive piece—the story of my finding “my people” in a faraway opera house at the end. To her credit, my editor—Laurie Abraham—bravely left in the overt references to Jewishness and let smart readers decide how to interpret the piece.
The response to this essay has been overwhelming, and it’s been out only a single day. What surprises and delights me is the breadth of people who relate to the piece. I’ve heard from grateful readers with Asian and Scottish and biracial DNA. Within hours of publication I received this wonderful note from a young man, a computer scientist and new father, who wrote: “I love your writing, you articulate the defining life moments that some of us (me) have had without ever putting them into words.”
Maybe we’re still not ready to deal with the issue of anti-Semitism straight on. But if what I write promotes understanding of a general kind—understanding of ourselves, of our lives and of our connections to others—I guess that’s all I could ever ask.
I read this well-written piece on Elle with interest, which turned into disbelief when I saw the picture of the author: how could this woman that write a three-page essay about being ugly?
While not drop-dead gorgeous, Bauer is (unless her portrait is heavily photoshopped) quite nice-looking, at least more than average.
Most of my friends also look average, do not seem self-conscious about it and are married to men who lIke them for who they are. What kind of people did she hang out with who would comment on her looks? Maybe her discomfort stems from writing for women’s magazines, which published photoshopped pictures of 18-year-old unusually gorgeous models. In the real world, I know dozens of people who would pay to have Bauer’s pleasant features and “average pretty” face, combined with her writing skills!
Beautifully written and thought provoking as always.
I too have a mixed genetic makeup. As a child I suffered a lot from ugly comments by others. Fortunately as an adult my “exotic” looks were often seen as a positive.
Thank you for your comments, Alessandra. I’m flattered, first. But I’m also glad you brought up the question: What kind of people did she hang out with? I wrote this follow-up blog to make it more clear. I grew up in a wealthy suburb of a Midwestern city…and I’ve had issues as an adult almost exclusively with people who object to my Jewish-looking face. This was tough to say in the original piece. For some reason, it’s more acceptable to talk about being hated because you’re ugly than it is to talk about being hated because you look Jewish. So your questions and observations are very valuable. I so appreciate your taking the time to write–
Ann
Fact: If you are a woman and want to express an opinion and don’t want to get attacked you better invest in some serious plastic surgery coz if you look like anything but Daryl Hannah the first thing men do will call you ugly.
We are terribly, sickly, helplessly invested in our appearances and they know it.
Remember when the trope was that feminist were just “too ugly to get a man?” You know feminists like Gloria Steinem, Jane Fonda and then Naomi Klein.
Be an outlaw. Look at Margaret Cho. She gets those comments by the billion. One for every dollar she makes.
Meanwhile fat. white unnatractive men are still writing the scripts so they still get the girl. Oh, and they hate Michael Moore, but anyone trash his appearance. Meanwhile I’m channel surfing and there’s Zack Galifinakis doing it with some 19 year old model on a sportsboat. Nothing wrong with fantasy, they just are terrified of what will happen when WE get hold of the scripts.
I feel conflicted about this narrative. First, I am lately intrigued by the fact that we are all born into our bodies as a kind of lottery result. Some are born into healthy and beautiful bodies, some into broken and unusual-looking bodies. The extent to which we judge ourselves and the world judges us on something we have no power over is provocative to say the least. Second, as a man who talks to lots of other men about women, the idea that there is a single standard of beauty is as ridiculous to us as it is to women. I know plenty of men who are especially interested in the physical appearance of women who are “full-figured” or larger; women with red-hair and olive skin; women who are small with Asian features. Whatever. Our preferences can be as diverse as our own appearances. Finally, as a Midwesterner, I have to say that I think you are overthinking how the immediate environment interprets your looks as “semi-Jewish” and therefore “ugly.” Most of the anti-Semitism I have experienced or been exposed to in Minnesota is what I would call benign or naive — most Minnesotans do not know and have never even met a more “traditional-looking” Sephardic or Ashkenazic Jew, and that may be because MOST Jews in Minnesota are, like you, the product of what used to be called “inter-married” parents. In my experience, the most ignorant racist comments come from people who have never, in fact, had any immediate experience with people of a class, race, or religious background, and who often wouldn’t know a Jew if he slapped him on the ass. It’s the card-carrying white Supremist types that have whole taxonomies in their heads about what a Jewish nose looks like — and it’s not that I doubt there are a few of those around, especially at BIR — but seriously, they are needle-in-haystack rare. The rest of us are, I guess, more or less benignly ignorant, and often carrying some light racist baggage that we inherited from our benighted parents and grandparents. I don’t doubt your feelings that you are being constantly judged as an unbeautiful half-Jew. I just think maybe the feelings come mostly from the mirror, with one or two Redneck idiots providing confirmation.
Emily and Hank‚
Thank you for your thoughtful and detailed comments. You both made excellent points. But having thought about it for a day, I’m inclined to agree with Emily. Particularly in my case: Outspokenness has preceded the charges of “ugly” in the majority of cases I can recall. I tend to be divisive in what I think and say; it’s likely this adds to the divided response I receive from men (in particular) and people (in general) where my appearance is involved.
It was this post: http://www.salon.com/2006/10/11/motorcycle_marriage/singleton
decrying the motorcycle racing culture that triggered the streams of hate mail from around the world. Following this, there were death threats, anti-Semitic invective, and three years of assault on every photo of me that was published…anywhere.
I don’t know how, if, that adds to the conversation…But I can point to six or seven such public positions I’ve taken that have resulted in similar fury—always ending in a volley of talk about how ugly I am.
Perhaps this is the standard response to women who express an unpopular opinion. Perhaps this is why so many women are afraid to speak out.
Ann
I read your essay in Elle. And saw your picture. You are lovely and definitely not ugly.
I, too, was very inspired by your essay. I was shocked to see your picture as to me you have a very pretty face. But as a Jew, I have also faced a handful of antiSemitic comments so I can definitely relate to that feeling of not fitting in.
I just finished reading the Elle essay. It reminded me easy electronic media has made it to be spectacularly cruel. Let me take this opportunity to spread good will via the Internet. Loved your essay, loved your “aha” moment in the long cape at the opera, hate the haters who insulted you. Viva Ann Bauer.
Thank you for sharing your story in Elle. I am not on facebook, but had to reach out to you. I am astounded and ashamed that there are people out there who have the audacity to comment negatively on your or anyone’s looks for that matter. How sad for them. They must be lonely individuals. I saw a loving couple. Congratulations on your happiness and thank you for sharing your beauty with us.
Tonight I read your article in Elle magazine. I thought it was fantastic. Like others that have commented here, I am astounded that people have the audacity to comment on your looks, but I’m not surprised.
I drive an 18-wheeler and travel the country extensively and have come across many people in the eight years I’ve been out on the road, and I have to say that although there are many, many lovely people, there are still huge pockets of intolerant people living among us and it seems that not only is that intolerance learned, but it’s also a product of living a very insulated life.
I was not raised to see others as different and coming from New York, I had the opportunity to meet people from many ethnic backgrounds from a very young age. As for the Jewish thing though – I really do think there are many people in this country who have never had any interactions with people like you – exactly has you said, there wasn’t a group you “fit in” with. Instead of embracing the differences and learning or researching, they choose to be hateful.
I loved your article but felt sad reading about what you dealt with as a young girl and woman. I’m sure each insult put a chink in your self-esteem and not even the people who found you exotic and oddly beautiful are able to make up for it. I have personally always been drawn to people who are different looking – they have their own unique beauty – and I love very ethnic looking people. They’re interesting.
The photo of you and your husband is beautiful. And I didn’t find you to be ugly at all, in fact I think you’re just a regular looking person. But that doesn’t matter to me – there is beauty in your soul and beauty in your words, and you touch people in ways that a “pretty smile” can’t. You really reach the INSIDE of a person’s soul. And that alone is beautiful.